Confessions of a Fat Girl

Still blogging..

2011-05-31T06:14:00.000-07:00

I've been slowly building up the courage to throw myself into the weight loss arena. Typically, I go in hard, starting with a 3 day fast (which usually, I fail by day 2, get horribly upset and binge for 4 days). This time around, I'm just starting with smaller portions and zero Pepsi. Strangely, I haven't missed the Pepsi all that much..except for sometimes, I dream about it, which clearly means I am a stalker freak in love with Pepsi and by denying myself the physical satisfaction of inhaling the nectar of the Gods, I've been reduced to dreaming about it. Nope, I don't miss Pepsi at all.

I've lost 8 lbs, which (unfortunately for me) isn't that much in the grand scheme of things, but it is a step in that right direction. Of course, due to my size, this bit of weight loss is not even noticeable..but somehow knowing that it is off has given me some sort of greater incentive that I didn't have before. I am hoping to not slip up and continue to see loss on a weekly basis. I'm not sure that I want to weigh myself everyday. Heck, I'm not sure how I want to handle blogging about dieting. I'm not even sure what I'll be doing to ensure weight loss by the end of this day. I want to buckle down and have a set plan, but I know that if I do and mess up, total regression!

So I guess I'll just take it day by day, minute by minute and hope that might is strong and enduring.

The Never Ending Circle of Fat

2011-05-23T18:43:00.000-07:00

Ashamed, that's me... I've been thinking of coming back here for a long time. The act of doing so, I believed, would reassert myself in this everlasting battle against the fat me. But, truthfully, I don't even know if that is true anymore. Today, reading these past entries, I can't help but feel so let down by myself. As, I have not only given up completely on my previous weight loss goals, but I've gained in the process of my self loathing.

Looking back, I can see very clearly the destruction caused by my own ~~hands~~ mouth. The way I added more to each plated sitting. How I comforted myself with the notion that just one more wouldn't hurt anyone. On and on, we all know the lies we tell ourselves to make it okay to push the diet back just one more day, only to find it's been a month, maybe 3, then a year. Even as I sit here now, I can think of 3 wonderful different reasons to have a big last night of free binge eating. Because tomorrow I'll be better. Except that I won't. Because, tomorrow is today. It was yesterday and the day before and the day before that. A vicious cycle that leaves me who I am now, the fat me. The obese me. The lost me, begging for you to not see me, judge me, or remind me in any way that I am who I am.

I've shrouded myself with a body of fat. I feel it with me no matter what I am doing. It makes me feel insecure and I am hateful because of it. I'm ugly, because I am hateful. I'm tired, I'm lazy and I've watched the world go by without even trying to join in on it. What's worse, is that I don't even want to try. The thought alone, makes me cringe..like it's completely unrealistic, even though I know it's not. I know it isn't. I know it can be done. So why would I deny myself the only thing that will change my life for the better?

Do I not owe it to myself? My husband? My children? My weight has had an obvious affect on my attitude, which of course affects my family. Why should I force them to suffer because I am unwilling to do what I know must be done? I can't come up with a good reason to stay on this path that I've been sitting in and I know that I can't ignore it any longer as well. Much more, I know that it is going to be hard.

Dieting is hard, it's concept that I never allowed myself to believe, even though I've been failing at it miserably, I always told myself I'll just stop on a different day. Effing addict words, total effing addict words.

Confession: My name is Harmony and I am addicted to food. I am a "stress" eater. I am a "emotional" eater. I eat when I am bored. I eat to stay awake. I eat when I am not hungry, but my mouth wants to taste food. I eat a lot and my body, soul and family has suffered because of it and we're all tired of it. My goal is to not just lose weight, but it is my hopes that I can find me somewhere buried underneath all of this.

Day one: Admit to yourself the truth
Start C25K training.

Diet & Exercise

2010-03-05T21:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Fat Girl...

2009-02-07T16:09:00.001-08:00

I took notice of you the other day...and I have to say this; you are not changing, and you are not doing anything to change. I have watched you go from pretty outgoing and funny..to reserved and shy. Why do you give it so much control? Fat Girl...I fear that you have giving up before even really starting...and I won't let you do it. SO here I am to tell you that you need to stop whining and get with it...yes Fat Girl you are FAT it didn't go away, because you chose to ignore it. Wake up and take a long honest look in the mirror.......I DID!!!

Goals, Goals...and more Goals!

2008-08-26T09:18:00.001-07:00

SO...I have been bad...as you can see with the major lack of posting. But I am back and have a newly developed plan to blast the chub away and shine!

Although I have struggled with my weight since the birth of my first son (the yo-yo years), I did get it into check just before getting pregnant with our second son...and then well, let's just say I lived! Ryder is now two..and I fear that the excuse of just having a baby isn't cutting it...so it's time to cut my losses (err gain) and trim the fat!

If you have been reading my blog, you will have noticed that motivation has been lacking in my neck of the woods. My failure was not due to the lack of want, but poor planning...as I have recently learned from another (non-diet related) blog: My Lucid Reality. Other than being a very gifted writer, Claudious is also very goal oriented. He helps you take attainable goals and breaks them down into miraculously strategic achievement plans. His post on goal management are in a 3 parts series and links can be found below:

A Goal is Just a Wish your Heart Makes Part 1

A Goal is Just a Wish your Heart Makes Part 2

A Goal is Just a Wish your Heart Makes Part 3

So grab a pen and some paper and let's turn our wishes into a well thought out plan!

Greasy McLard Butt says Brownies NOW!

2008-07-15T20:37:00.001-07:00

1. Make the brownies
2. Eat the brownies
3. Destroy the evidence

Me: No! I am trying to be good

GMB: Oh come on, one bad day...it's not the end of the world. Have a brownie with some coffee....doesn't that sound good.

Me: Well, uh...yeah that does sound pretty interesting. Kind of like a seperated Mocha, all warm and sweet and Wait! No! No Brownies!

GMB: I can't believe you are not gonna eat it, when you know you really want to...nobody has to know, it can be our secret.

ME: Our secret? How can it be our secret, I am a blabba mouth and everyone knows about the box of brownie mix in the cupboard...there is no secret to keep. *sigh*

GMB: Well I know how to fix that...

ME: What? How?

GMB: You can tell everyone in a moment of passion for extreme healthy living that you tore open the box and bag inside and emptied it's chocolately goodness all over the trash, making it untouchable for the human mouth and destroying it all together in your eyes. Add in a little ENDORPHINES WHOO! and you are set to go.

ME: Hey that is kind of a good idea...no one would know, this could so totally work. We could so have our brownies and coffee now...good job GMB, I am looking forward to it now.

*waiting for the coast to clear*

GMB: Uh, yeah...hello there, where are those brownies? (such an impatient bitch)

ME: Gawd..give it a rest, I think I don't want to do it anymore....I don't want to lie to everyone.

GMB: Stop be such a pansy and get the chocolate

ME: What? Fuck off...GAWD you are such a bitch!

Me: Oh and we are not eating the brownies now....fucking cow!

So it looks like I won this time...

Did I Ever Tell You About.....

2008-07-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

Greasy Mclard Butt? Well she is a big fat bitch, and relentless...I tell ya! She is my little devil whisper in the canal of my ear. A liar, the biggest of them all...convincing, manipulative and whimsical all in one.

Always with the(s), there is always tomorrow, or one more wouldn't hurt...no one will ever know. It's sick I tell ya and every time I try to write her off, she gets all offended like she was just trying to keep me happy, because she knows what makes me happy. And then I cave, because some sick self hating part of me wants it...so bad.

So I thought of trying again of getting Greasy Mclard Butt to leave, but I know it's impossible she would never stay gone long enough for me to be comfortable. I now realize I must deal with her...and it could make for some posts, as I am lacking in those lately. So now that you know of her, you will be soon hearing the things she has to say...I will try and keep good notes on her devilishly bitchy rants...and then you can all know, exactly what it is I am dealing with.

Okay people...I'm back!

2008-07-01T18:15:00.000-07:00

Things have been nuts...and well I like nuts, so I eat the nuts, and the nuts are salty...and salt is good with Pepsi, and well Pepsi is a good dear friend of mine, that I struggle turning my back on.

I am not sure where I am going with this post...except for the usual stuff, like I am gonna start a diet tomorrow (hey...even I half buy that load of crap, now!). Um, let's see..I stopped hiding in my car and eating...I figured be loud and proud, hell..why not?!

So then last night as I was stuffing a taco down my throat, of fuhreaking course the Soup starts bagging on some fat chick...and all I could do was look down at my Santa Clause belly. Funny, it didn't at all seem jolly. I told myself to get with it, and do something about it.

Gawd...if my kids and hubby feel half as annoyed with the "talks" I have with them, that I do when yacking at myself..they'd probably jump ship, and leave me for good. They have no idea how lucky they are...they can: tune me out, walk out of the room...ignore me, but not I, I'm stuck with my bitchy ass self and my non-stop ridicule and bashing. I am suuuuch a bitch.

But as it turns out I handle my bitchiness the same way I handle other bitches in my life...I ignore. Which does me no fucking good, so maybe if I stop bitching at myself, I'll start losing weight. Lord am I full of it!

But that is me...always searching for an excuse, and rambling on about nothing. Don't ya just love it?!

It's funny I really just wanted to tell you all how I tried Sushi...So guess what?

My oh my....

2008-06-20T17:25:00.001-07:00

It's been one month since my last post....I cannot believe it! Don't worry though...I am still fat as ever!

I have been working out on a weekly basis...some jogging and some aqua aerobics. Wait..what was that? Yep that is right Aqua Aerobics...I joined a class. Although...I have been doing exercises, I have also been eating quite a bit...keeping my weight at a steady heft number. I know what is needed to be done, but somehow cannot convince myself to do it. I have also returned to eating in my car...somehow my brain believes that if I am eating in my car it doesn't count, but the mirror does not lie...and well I am in denial, or something.

Preparing myself for the aqua aerobics class was a painful moment...as a bathing suit is required. I tried on my old "fat" swimsuit...and just about killed over with laughter seeing it on myself, horrified and humored by the whole ordeal...my "fat" swimsuit doesn't seem so fat anymore. I ended up wearing a maternity suit, filling out nicely (or whatever). That ended up being a nightmare, as we did a lot of jumping up and down and the top portion would float up and reveal my jelly belly to all looking in...and as it turns out 2 toned teen aged life guards were perched on my side of the pool, making sly comments to one another...and because I am that type of girl...you just know they were about me. However..I did not let it get to me to badly, and managed to have made it to class 3 times since then.

Class is wonderful, and filled with the nicest people ever! I have a couple of stories to share from there, but will save it for another post.

I hope all of you are doing well...

Day 1 of the rest of my life....

2008-05-20T06:06:00.000-07:00

So today...a day full of indecision, heart ache and hunger...I, my dear friends...I start detox! Yes once again, I will be going through the painful woes that is detox. I am sadden by this, but let's just face it...if I wasn't shoving whatever delectable delight down my throat, without so much of a thought about it, I wouldn't need to do detox. Yes...dear readers, I am a junkie...showing my face once again, to the struggles of rehab. I would feel sorry for myself...if I weren't so disgusted.

Some girlfriends have also decided to do the detox too, so I am not alone in this struggle. This time however we decided to do it, without assigning a number of days (last time we did 3...one should do at least 10 days)...we are going to do it, until we just don't want to anymore. This is good, no pressure = no stress = no binge eating.

I will do my best to keep you all updated, on my daily struggles...as I know I will have many. Until then..........it's lemonade for the drinking!

An Excuse to eat

2008-05-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

I have many of them! Something always comes up, stresses me out, and opens the gateway to a binge eating extravaganza! The current situation with my sister, has left me feeling full on a daily basis. I need to snap out of it and move on. I hardly believe that I am just going to magically stop feeling stressed out and concerned over her..but I can put in some serious time in what I am doing with my body in regards to it all. I have always known that turning to food is never the answer, but it just has made everything seem so better...well that is until, I take a good long look in the mirror..or some asshole snaps a picture of me, forcing me to see what it is I look like to everyone else. Man...that power of denial is pretty powerful! Today I shall put forth the courage to try and beat this...and you my dear friends shall hear all about my woes...as they come forth. YAY for you!!!

It's a Challenge...Biggest Loser Style!

2008-05-06T18:53:00.001-07:00

So a group of us decided to do a challenge...basing our outcome on total percentage loss. So Sunday, June 1st..we do our second weigh in, to find who the biggest loser is! The winner of this magnificent contest is getting a free haircut...my hair looks real bad...and I need that haircut!

Today has been a pretty good day! I have had good portions of fruits/dairy/vegetables and protein. In the morning I did a 8 mile bike ride with my good friends Audra...and tonight I worked in a 40 minute elliptical *thanks Audra ((hugs))* routine...hooray for me. I will start journal(ing) my food intake (again)...but this time I think I will just keep it on paper, and to myself. I don't know why...but somehow I feel this might work out better this way. You know less stress = less stress eating!

So here's to the contest and the want (oooh is that motivation I hear????) to be the biggest loser!

Confession: Exercising makes me toot...in the worst way. When I was a member of a gym...I would have to leave my station, go to the bathroom, toot...and then make sure it didn't follow me out of the restroom. It was quite the exercise (no pun intended...well maybe it was). And as for tonight, well....thank god for windows!

Getting ahead of myself

2008-05-01T07:38:00.001-07:00

I think I let this blog get to my head...well I think I let this blog has helped me get ahead of myself. I have been setting goals and standards for myself that I am apparently not ready for. Leading me down paths of failure and binge eating...and ultimately shame. So this is a start towards something new, and I am ready to take things one day at a time, and not push and claw at some sort of future vision of myself. Today I am me, overweight and happy with life in general, not my appearance but the things and people in my life.

I have been waiting for a switch to turn on in my brain, my motivation switch...I know it is there because it had been activated once before, before we decided to have Ryder. A picture triggered it then, something I have tried lately (with utter and complete failure)...so I need to find that trigger...that one thing that will scare me straight. Until then it will be a uphill battle, one that I am willing to fight...but also one that will most definitely come with follies. Today I am prepared for that, going in knowing that there can be failures is better than not going in at all, and/or going in with a naive perception that there would not be any.

So here is to a new beginning, of not getting ahead of myself. Day by day....

Confession?

2008-04-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

So I don't think I have been eating things that I would eat, if I were sticking to a steady diet. Portions have been okay, although I am maintaining my weight. I have been good to not drink Pepsi after my horrible relapse, but I will say that I have had some Sprite here and there...might as well be a Pepsi! Workouts have been nonexistent, as I have been busy helping my sister with her house. I will try and get things worked out and get back to posting daily again...I swear!!!

Don't give up on me!!!!

Bikini Wax? Not for the faint at heart!!

2008-04-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

You won't be catching me in a bikini anytime in the near future, but that doesn't change the fact that certain areas should be maintained! This morning as I headed to take care of business, I thought to myself...just wax it. And that let me to wonder if bigger gals, like myself, go and get bikini waxes. I wonder if the person doing the wax thinks it's weird that bigger people would like to get waxed.

Anyway, I am the proud owner of a "professional" waxing kit, and decided to give it a try. As I ready myself for some pain, I hadn't quit realized the difficult task at hand. Waxing is easy when the subject is laying down in front of you, like a leg...easy enough right in front easy to see. Standing in front of a mirror, using the image to locate where to put the wax...tricky.

After I finally managed to get a layer of wax on, I applied the paper wax strip. Okay..it's time to pull. I think nothing of it until I grab the end to yank...and I suddenly realize what the hell it is I am doing. Am I fucking crazy..who does this? Why would I want to put myself through so much torture? I am not doing this...NOT!

I stood there staring at the paper strip, willing it to disappear...and started to panic...OMG I am gonna have paper stuck to my nethers forever. Why would I put paper on my nethers?! I tried to calm myself by thinking of worse things that happened to my nethers...child birth, yeah that is a good one...child birth is awful to the nethers...but I was doped up and it wasn't too bad.

UGH...I am fat chick with paper stuck to her nethers and it is never...ever...gonna change! Then I remembered surgery...surgery (another story, another time) very bad, worse pain I have had my entire life. Pulling paper from nethers, sounds easier!! And it was...funny as that sounds...not so bad at all. SO I proceeded to do the rest, but my tummy was in the way, and the other side was harder than the first side, creating a huge waxy mess...I finally gave in and said to hell with it.

I am not so sure, fat girls, should give themselves a bikini wax. If we need one, maybe we should leave it up to the professionals. Besides your tummy tends to not get in the way, when your laying flat on your back!!!

I'm back

2008-04-17T07:01:00.000-07:00

You may have notice my sudden lack of posting, worry not I am back. I want to tell you that I have very good reasons for not posting, and all about how I have been busy with helping my sister and managing my life..but the truth is I still could have posted. More of the truth is, I tend not to post when I am being bad. Now that I let this period of all things bad take it's course, I am ready to start a new. The people surrounding my life are still going strong and I have been the only one to opt out and take a pity party. I am aware of my selfish ways and last night threw myself a farewell party. Farewell to this fat, loathing, and pitiful self.

I know I can do this...I know I contain the power to do it. I have to admit what got me here, and face it, stare it down until it cowardly backs away...strength will come and go, maintaining is the goal. Here is where I will insert a Biggest Loser quote: Ali ~ I found out I have been attempting suicide...and I don't want to kill myself (these are not here exact words..I should look them up).

Now here I go with my non-suicide, salad eating, burning of the fat... bad ass!

One Bad Week

2008-04-13T16:58:00.001-07:00

This week I have been bad. I have ate fried foods, and indulge in Pepsi...I have been awful. But tomorrow is Monday, the international day to start dieting (err..being healthy). So with that, Monday...this new day, I shall start again. I will journal and be devoted and healthy, up until I mess up again that is!

So do not give up on me yet, Monday is the start of a new day!

Virtual Model

2008-04-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

This is me...well this is what I look like according to MVM! I first seen one of these models on this girls page. I don't know if she got a code or not, I ended up copying mine into my photos, maybe later I will add it into my sidebar. They have a weight loss section, so that you can compare weights...which I think is pretty cool. Here is my ULTIMATE weight goal:

Not too shabby...eh?

Anyway, I thought it was horribly neat, and wanted to share. So go on and get your own Virtual Model, and let me know how it works out!

Journal Entree # 12

2008-04-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

Today I spent the day at the track...watching my boys race (dirt bikes). Ant came in 2nd in his division, and our son Austin came in 4th. The weather today was different, it was either really cold or hecka hot! Good thing the spurts didn't last too long, I might have gone crazy...I am sooo not looking forward to menopause!!!

Breakfast/Snack:
Carrots ~ they were perfect...so sweet.

Lunch:
6" Roasted Chicken Breast Sub ~ Subway

Dinner:
PB&J Sandwich ~ this was heavenly....mmmm

Calories: 610
Fats: 23
Carbs: 99.5 ~ Damn carbs!!!!
Protein: 39

Journal Entry # 11

2008-04-06T07:50:00.001-07:00

Yesterday we went on a (about) 9 mile Hike. We had been planning this hike for a month, and it turned out being a little more strenuous then I had thought it would be. We all made it...without having to call in a life chopper, so to put it short..we are BAD ASS! I just finished tallying up all of my calorie intake and I have to say..I ate a lot! Whatever...I hiked 9 miles!!!!!

Breakfast: ~ I remembered breakfast while trying to pack my lunch
2 bites of Tuna
1/4 c. Cantaloupe
2 bites of Cottage Cheese

Lunch:
1 Tuna Pita
1 Orange
1 C. Cantaloupe
1/2 Banana
1/4 sandwich Pastrami & Swiss ~ Sabrina shared...and it was YUMMY

Dinner: ~ I wasn't hungry, but I know it is good to eat after a workout
Rice / Chicken / Cottage Cheese ~ You have seen it before...I am sure you remember the quantities! LOL

Calories: 858.33
Fats: 16.15
Carbs: 102.83 ~ Holy Cow! I am sure I burned it all off though
Protein: 78.91

This Calorie Counter said I burned: 3,132.6 calories...oh yeah, I'm gonna have to go with a ....

BURN BABY, BURN

J.E. # 10

2008-04-05T07:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was pretty good, Ryder took a nap (in the afternoon)...it was exciting! My day was pretty slow and steady, until we met up to jog and then everything just sped up, and before I knew dinner time had come and past. Don't worry...I won't let that happen again.

Breakfast:
Egg White Omelet
1/2 Whole Wheat Tortilla

Lunch:
1/3c. Rice
2 oz Chicken
1/4 c Cottage Cheese

Snack:
1 tsp. Peanut Butter

Calories: 517.33
Fats: 22.41
Carbs: 39.08
Protein: 43.36

Our jog/walk was pretty good...my shins are still messed up, so I slowed the group down. After stretching we did some sit ups..it was AWESOME!

J.E. # 9

2008-04-03T20:13:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day, Jess came by and picked up Ryder so that I could clean in solitude...it was AWESOME! I didn't get around to breakfast...which is beyond bad, but I managed to do fairly well the rest of the day. I even fought off the urge, to pretend like I was going home (after picking up Ryder) and sneak to a Fast Food restaurant to stuff my face. See I did good!!!

Breakfast:
2 cups of coffee

Lunch:
Bowl of Sweet Puffs
(1 Cup of Cereal, 1/2 Cup Milk)

Dinner:
1/3 cup (cooked) ~Near East~ Long Grain & Wild Rice ~ This was really good!
2 oz. Chicken (from a can) ~ I was skeptical, but it was good!
1/4 (light) Cottage Cheese ~ My fave!!!

Calories: 632
Fats: 8.41
Carbs: 107.98 ~ That is not good...no more cereal!
Protein: 30.5

J.E. # 8

2008-04-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

Today I think I suffered from depression. But I'm gonna snap out of it...don't worry. Trying not to feed my sad face all day was hard, calorie and food choice wise I sucked at today...but was all right with portions.

On to the main event:

Breakfast:
1/2 Whole Wheat Bagel
Egg White Omelet

Lunch:
3/4 of a Bagel ~ Ryder had some

Dinner:
1/2 BK Chicken Sandwich.
sm. Onion Ring

Calories: 891.5
Fats: 32
Carbs: 106.1 ~ OUCH
Protein: 38.5

Pretty damaging...I'll do better tomorrow.

Journal Entree #7

2008-04-01T18:52:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday!!! Didn't do much today..went to Audra's to do a lower body workout, and some abs. Other than that I just lounged around my house today!

Breakfast:
2 Hard boiled eggs

Lunch:
Salad @ Audra's

Dinner:
Turkey Burger patty
Cottage Cheese (1/4 Cup)

Snacks:
2 Pria bars

Calories: 594
Fats: 27.25
Carbs: 32.5
Protein: 48

No cake today...sad huh?

J.E. # 6

2008-03-31T20:51:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day, I spent most of the day with Audra...hanging out at her house. It was nice to get away from home!!!

Here is today's calorie intake:

Breakfast:
1/2 C. (light) Cottage Cheese
2 Hard boiled Eggs ~ Yummy!!!!!!!!!

Lunch:
Salad

Dinner:
1 (lean) Turkey Burger patty
1/4 C. (light) Cottage Cheese

Snack:
1 Pria Bar

Calories: 649
Fats: 33.25
Carbs: 26.7
Protein: 57.45

Today we walked/jogged for an hour...more walking than jogging (shins are still out). Then we did a 6 1/2 mile bike ride (my shins thank me)

Journal Entree # 5

2008-03-30T19:33:00.000-07:00

Today was a fun day, the kids and I went to the track to watch their dad ride his motorcycle. Ant has entered to race this coming Sunday, and is all die hard about it. The kids loved watching him...well Ryder mostly, Austin was a little bent out of shape that he didn't have his motorcycle (bad planning on my part). But all in all we had a good time, and got some sun.

Here is today's damage:

Breakfast:
Egg White Omelet
Turkey Sausage

Lunch:
1/2 Pita Pouch
1/4 C. Tuna Fish

Dinner:
Salad w/ (1 tblsp) Shallot Vinaigrette dressing

Snacks:
2 Pria Bars ~ I heart these all the way, but when they run out I will not buy more.

Calories: 674
Fats: 31
Carbs: 46.80
Protein: 51.45

That is 2 days in a row of eating more Protein than Carbs...and I am pretty excited about that.

No exercise today...shins are killing me!

Journal Entree # 4...ETA update!!!

2008-03-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

Before I knew it the day had already passed. I think I got caught up in some time loop, stuck at 10:00 am. A time of day when anything can be done, house cleaning, mowing the lawn, folding laundry, take the kids to the park...anything. While be stuck in the constant 10 am rut, I pondered all things that could be accomplished, I finally settled on cleaning the house when I discovered it is 6pm. The whole day gone and wasted. Oh well....wish me luck for tomorrow!!!

On a food note...I did really good! Well that is, if I stay away from food until tomorrow morning..I think I can do it. Here are the stats:

Breakfast:
Egg White Omelet (2 eggs whites & 1/3 cup Cheddar Cheese)
1 cup Tea

Snacks:
2 Pria bars

Dinner:
1 (lean) Turkey Burger Patty
1/2 cup (light) Cottage Cheese

Calories: 634
Fats: 28
Carbs: 37.41
Protein: 57.5

Exercise: I did 20 minutes on the treadmill. Ran 1 straight mile in 12 minutes (not great, but good enough). My husband says I need to do the treadmill 3 times a day, so I will try and get another jog in later...well see though.

All in all a pretty good day, outside of it happening without me that is.

ETA: My shins are killing me so I will not be jogging again tonight. I don't know what is up with my shins, but they can be quite bothersome. My dear and most friendliest friend Audra said I could borrow her elliptical (isn't that just the sweetest!), and I think I am gonna take her up on it. I honestly don't know if my shins can handle 3 treadmill workouts a day. I need to get better arch supports also.

Until tomorrow.......

Journal Entry #3

2008-03-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

Today (again) started off a good day, I didn't do too bad until the end of the day, where I screwed up royally!

Breakfast (7:30 pm):
1/2 English Muffin

Snack (Noon):
Slim Fast (Carb something)

Lunch (2:30 pm):
1 (lean) Turkey Burger Patty ~ Today it was sooooo good!
1/4 c. (light) Cottage Cheese

Dinner (7:00 pm) ~ Tonight Ant wanted In-N-Out, our neighboring town just opened one and we no longer have to drive 40 minutes out to get some. I decided that if I was gonna wait in that long line I would allow myself to feast. Possibly not the best idea, but it was delicious!!
1- Double Double ~ I considered lying by saying that I only ate half, but I won't lie to you! Half way through I could tell I was full and didn't need anymore. But my mouth does not listen and I ate anyway!
Some- French Fries ~ Not to sure how many...I split some with Austin.

Here is the damage:
Calories: 1245 ~ Ouch!!
Fats: 60.25
Carbs: 88
Protein: 88.5

Tash is right, I need to eat more protein/bigger meals in the morning. Which I will do promptly... tomorrow.

Hope you guys were able to pull of a better day!

Oh and I did make it to the track and walked/jogged today! HOORAY FOR ME!

Journal Entry; Number 2

2008-03-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

It's 3:20 p.m. and already I am ashamed of myself. I have consumed a lot of Calories, and I might put off dinner, if I can withstand it. Anyway, here it is:

Breakfast (7:00 am):
1 Pria Bar (Mint Cookie) ~ This is delicious, tastes like Thin Mints! Thanks Audra for letting me know about them!

Snack (11:00 am):
String Cheese (light) ~ Ryder ate half of it, well more like stuffed half in his mouth sucked on it for a while and then spit it out. It's sad because I really wanted to eat it!!!

Snack (2:00 pm): This is bad and I kind of hate myself for it
1 serv size of Doritos ~ These are my favorite chips. But they taste sooooo much better with Pepsi. Let's face it some food is just not worth eating anymore, without getting to have Pepsi with it.
1 (Chocolate) Sandwich Creme Cookie ~ It was there (with many others) so I ate (just the one). SO not worth it....SO not worth the calories; 80!, 80 calories for 1 cookie!....argh it didn't even taste as heavenly as I imagined it would. I'll remember that next time...bastards!!

Lunch (3:00 pm): After snacking on the snacks above I realized that I was starving, so I could've ate a shit ton of the above or make lunch and try for something healthy:
1 (lean) Turkey Burger patty
1/4 (light) Cottage Cheese

7:30 pm: I ate one McDonald's French Fry ~ I don't know how many calories are in 1

I also forgot to add that I had 2 cups of tea today.

Here is the damage thus far:

Calories: 712
Fats: 28.25
Carbs: 69.81
protein: 42.5

Eating and you..

2008-03-27T11:14:00.001-07:00

As you know, it is you Dear Readers, that help keep me in line. And I am grateful for your presence. So I just wanted to send out a big THANK YOU to all of you who comment and keep my spirits lifted. It has been of tremendous help, to have your encouraging words, to help me through the loss (es) (yeah I'm still talking about weight).

If you haven't already checked them out please see my links for other (fat) blogs, that I find fun and encouraging.

Food Journal Entry

2008-03-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

Okay...I need to journal my food, for you all to see, to humiliate me into eating better. Here is today's entry:

Breakfast:
1 fried egg
potatoes
1 link of Sausage

Lunch:
Lean Turkey Burger patty (YUM)

Dinner:
6" Ham and Cheese sub (Subway)
1 bag of Sun Chips (Harvest Cheddar)

Totals for the day:

Calories: 911 (call an ambulance to cart me fat ass off)
Fats: 37
Carbs: 92.90
Protein: 55.30

Okay...from now on I'll journal everyday. I have to!!!!

Detox is over!

2008-03-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

Okay..so the girls and I decided to stop the detox, dead in it's tracks. The Easter Holiday was too much for us, so we simply gave in. Sure we could have kept on with it, forgetting our little infractions, staying on our destined path to detox completion. But we said "fuck it". We all had given up before we stated out loud to each other we were going to.

Any hope of getting encouraging words and having will power shoved back in our faces, was thrown out the window, when one of us had the courage to say "I quit" and the rest of us shouted "hallelujah".

Now that it is all said and done, I am still happy with our decision to stop, for a couple of reasons
1. I said I would never do it for ten days again...so it turns out that I wasn't lying...which is always nice
2. It's awful and I hate...and I hate and it's awful!

Because we had already paid for all the syrup was needed to finish the task, we decided to do it again (in a little while) for another 3 days...and then wait a period of time and do it again for 3 days and so on, so that the syrup would not go to waste.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, here are the results:
I lost 5 lbs....pretty awesome!
My general outlook is the same, as well as my health...so not much has changed there.
But if we were to do the ten days, I am sure that would be different, as I had a great change (in all things) the first time I did the detox.

That's all people, sorry to let you down...but I am glad to be done with this for now. I'll find some way to make it up to you.

Until then..........

The Magic of Salt Water

2008-03-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

Recently (as in just now), I was asked what the salt water is supposed to do. How odd that I never even thought, to share that little bit of knowledge with you. I feel bad, but only momentarily since I am about to tell you it's hideous secret.

The salt water in the morning acts as a laxative of sorts, it completely flushes your bowels. Anything and everything that has entered your system will be spewed out the rectum in the most heinous and pressure filled way.

This morning not being so bad of course, with only being on the detox elixir for one day and all. I still had some solids in there to keep the "urgent" out of my step when the bathroom gods called. Tomorrow I am certain to be not so fortunate.

FYI: This is my second time around doing this Detox, the first time was tortuous and painful to say the least. One of the greatest struggles I had ever went through. And the reason, to why I started this blog. So for a good laugh at yours truly, go ahead and check out my first time around with this love/hate detox relationship!!!

Detox Day 2

2008-03-22T07:50:00.000-07:00

Per directions of Detox, we (Sabrina, Jess and myself) are to drink 1 quart of warm salt water every morning. This morning being the 1st of ten...I have accomplished said task, and awaiting the effects.

I have to say I did fairly well while drinking the salt water, only gagging twice. This leads me up to my confession: I had thought that I was at a unfair advantage; doing this detox while sick. But after having started the detox, I am now thinking "not so much". My head being stuffy, has pretty much impaired my ability to taste anything. So drinking all this nasty isn't too bad for me, I feel bad for Jess and Sabrina.

Today we Detox

2008-03-21T08:22:00.001-07:00

So today we start detox and I am a little less than amped about it. Still sick, and still feeling whiny from it. I forgot to make my lemonade last night and so my first cup of the detox elixir was warm...but not too bad.

First thing this morning I weighed myself, I want to be able to give you stats on the outcome of doing this 10 day ~~disaster~~ program. Ugh, 3 lbs heavier from trying to eat my way to healthy land. I have already fretted over it enough, and decided to share with you my attempt to get over it. ie: I am not bothered by the 3lbs weight gain because, it was gained with good intentions, and so on.

I can already tell you what I will be eating today, which is exciting to be able to pre-blog my food and not worry about it. Today I will have 10 cups of this lemonade detox, that is about 1200 calories for the day.

Now don't worry I will soon be back with all my painful woes, and whatnots. For example...Ant (my husband) who drinks coffee on the rarest occasions is currently drinking a cup right now! This bothers me, because I cannot have some. Thank god that my nose doesn't work, so I don't have to smell it's sweet aroma.

Day before Detox

2008-03-20T18:01:00.000-07:00

I am still sick! I think it got a little worse last night. I have horrible sinus pressure and a massive cough. My brain wants to explode!!! But somehow I know I will manage.

Breakfast:
Pria Bar

Lunch:
Left over BBQ Chicken Thigh

Dinner:
1 slice Cheese Pizza (Round Table GROSS)
2 garlic twist

No exercise tonight...just praying that this cough goes away!!!

March 19 Food Journal

2008-03-20T17:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's food journal

Breakfast:
1 scrambled egg

Lunch:
Corn dog
French Fries

Dinner:
BBQ Chicken Thigh (boneless/skinless
1/2 (lowfat) Cottage Cheese

I did my walk/jog...pretty excited about that! I haven't done any other exercise all week!

Things are looking up

2008-03-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

I don't believe I posted on (this) blog how sick I have been. It has been all things horrendous, such as coughing up little pieces of lung, losing my voice, and all things delirious related. But today I woke up with a voice, and I have to say things are getting better.

Now, that said, you must know what a firm believer I am in feeding colds. I am serious about it, you can't get healthy if you are not supplying your body with nutrients, and if these nutrients need to come in some sort of comfort food form...so be it. Get better and start all over again when you do. I haven't been eating too horribly bad, but I have been taking in more calories than I would have liked to, with dieting and all. Whatever, I'll get over it.

So Friday (if my body is willing) we (Sabrina, Jessica & I) are starting that lemonade diet detox thing. Now I know I swore that I would never, ever do it again...well at least for the full ten days. But as it seems, I will. So soon enough I will be whining and bitching my way through it, so in a way this is a pre-apology. I hope you can except it, and still be there for me for those tortuous ten days.

Until then.............

Big girls don't cry

2008-03-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

I am sure you have all heard the song by Fergie...if not listen here. One day while driving in my car, this song was on the radio for the 10th time. Feeling fat and funny, I started making up some of my own lyrics for it. Mainly around the part where she says: "And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket", this line cracks me up...it is a odd thing to say in a "Love" song. So instead I would say: And I'm gonna miss you like a fat kid misses cake, it is a hard one to throw in...but I love that "I love you like a fat kid loves cake" saying.

So I went online downloaded the song, and with a some help from my sister Mel, we came up with this (btw click here for Fergie's lyrics):

Wait just a little more background, most of the lyrics are still the same...I thought it would be funny if she was leaving her man for food.

Big Girls Don't Cry
(Refried)

Da Da Da Da
The smell of dessert lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, Strawberries,Cheese, Divinity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with youIt's personal,
Myself and I
We've got some eating out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a fat kid misses cake
And I need to make some room for my pie
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't deny
8 course meals
Fried Foods
Ice Cream

The path that I'm walking
Will only fit me now
Imma gonna keep on eating
Till I'm full grown...full grown
Fairytales don't always have a candy coating, do they
And I foresee hunger ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with youIt's personal,
Myself and I
We've got some eating out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a fat kid misses cake
And I need to make some room for my pie
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't deny

Like the little school mate in the school yard
What's in your lunch and you have pop tarts
Ill be your best friend if you give me candy
Valentine (s)
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want your cookie too
Well be playmates and lovers if you share your turkey leg
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, midnight snack
I need to be with myself and center, Strawberries, Cheese, Divinity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with youIt's personal,
Myself and I
We've got some eating out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a fat kid misses cake
And I need to make some room for my pie
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't deny
8 course meals
Fried Foods
Ice Cream

With a cherry on top

Fat blogs

2008-03-12T12:15:00.001-07:00

How I love thee. Today my girlfriend Audra let me know that she too started a fat blog. I am loving these. We all get to have glimpse into each others personal turmoil over our weight issues. I know this sounds sick, but I really enjoy being able to relate with others on the "fat" subject.

So if you are a fatty and you want to share ,start a fat blog and send me your link. And if you are skinny and you just think your fat...go ahead and start a fat blog and send me your link. Or if you are skinny/fat and you are content with it, go ahead and start a blog and send me your link. (etc.)

Let us all be one in this world of diet, share with one another, and learn the tricks of the trade!

A to the MEN

You might have noticed

2008-03-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

But I might as well come out and say it. I, my dear readers, am training for a 5k marathon. Gawd, it makes my skin crawl with anxiety...just putting it out there. I have a ticker in my sidebar counting down the days until the dreaded 5k run.

I am no where's near completing such a task, and I'm in great need of everyday that is left to try and get into the shape to be able to do so, when needed. I started training by using the Couch to 5k training program, you should check it out. It's a great program, but I am in great need to put in some extra effort, with being horrifically overweight and all.

So (ever so slowly) I am trying to add extra workouts, and fun get together's (hey we should all suffer together). In doing so, I have a set date for hikes (once a month), bike riding, and our 4 day a week marathon training. But what I really need to do is squeeze in a morning workout.

This is a hard one, considering that I wake with the baby, which kind of goes hand in hand with I sleep with the baby. And he has this natural obsession to be with me, my every waking moment. In other words, he can sense that I am awake, and then he himself wakes. And then, folks, it is at that precise moment any want I have goes *whoosh* right out the window. I must surrender to his little wants and needs.

Anyway (there I go again excuses, excuses), I just really need to try harder to work something into my morning ritual.

So there it is a new task at hand, and something new to blog about. Here is a little list that I definitely need to keep up with:

Journal my food *Give me strength and responsibility to do this*

Create a morning workout *At some point Ryder will just learn to sleep in....right?*

Blog more...get this stuff out and in the open

Do sit ups while watching tv

Do squats while watching tv

Do upper body toning while watching tv

Give up on tv *whoa getting ahead of ourselves aren't we?*

And here is a little list for you; my Dear Readers:

Comment!!! I need your constructive criticism, so why don't you just "bahrrrring it".

Um....I think I got off topic, but I am not quite sure....

Girl Scouts; It's that time of year again

2008-03-06T08:52:00.000-08:00

Girl Scouts camped out in front of stores everywhere. Calling onto us with their big innocent eyes, willing us..to give up all hope of losing weight by buying out their cookie stand...and feverishly stuffing cookies in our faces before we leave the parking lot.

Eating for a good cause (well somewhat good cause), is a good excuse right????

Hell to the NO!!!

Although I do find it, very hard to say no to cute little girls, and even harder to walk right on by my beloved Thin Mints...I have sustained.

How sad it is to ignore such a dear old friend. A red burn crossing my cheeks, embarrassed by the obvious disregard. Sweat beading across my brow, in fear that I will be caught in looking at something that isn't there.

But all in all a true friend would look the other way, and not try to selfishly gain my appetite back. He/she would be proud to know that I have moved on, away from such a troublesome life. And may very well live to be a healthy and product member of my family...and society.

Although their may be some room for you in future dear Thin Mint, today is not the day..and neither is tomorrow. But someday is good...right? Can you wait for me?

BTW: Here is a link to find out the nutritional contents of your favorite Girl Scout cookie...ENJOY!

Days slipping by

2008-03-05T15:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have been a horrible blogger, I have some excuses...but somehow I just know that they are not enough. But I am a pathetic type of person, so of course I will burden you with said excuses.

*clears throat*

Excuse 1: My mom got married, and made her 6 children owners of a step father

Excuse 2: Ugh...I have a step father

Excuse 3: At the wedding we had to mingle with relatives (distant and new)

Excuse 4: Aunt Flo (sorry I honestly can't think of a nicer way to put it) came to town...early!

Excuse 5: Massive PMS

And many, many more.

I have so much to share, but I have been bitter about most of it. So in the long run, I have been really good to you, my sweet readers. I have spared you the pitying and self loathing, hate filled and disgusted rants that people I can dial on the phone and bark at, have had to deal with. See how much I love thee!

Soon I will be posting about a hike I took on Saturday, so come back and read all about it.

Ribs and Day 16....and 15

2008-02-27T20:36:00.000-08:00

Today Ant decided that he wanted ribs, my mouth said "Okay" (in a rather chipper tone), BUT my mind screamed NOOOOOOO. I didn't want to make ribs and not eat all of them, I didn't want to stare into their sticky caramelized exterior and not dive in, in a manner with the likes of eating going out of style (is eating going out of style? I am kind of serious about that....is it?).

So after a long morning of....well, nothing I finally made it to town and bought some pork ribs. And brought them home to prep them for dinner, here is a little insider on what I did. Sorry I didn't not think to take picture as the wonderful PW would have.

1. turn on oven (about) 200-250
2. tear of big piece of tin foil (I needed two)
3. layout out ribs with meat side down and remove membrane
3. Pepper, kosher salt, and garlic powder the shit out them
4. wrap in tin foil
5. place in baking dish with it tilted to the side, for liquid to drain
6. stick in the oven and walk away (give yourself at least 5-6 hours)

Then throw them on the BBQ, with whatever sauce you like. But beware, you will not be turning the ribs with a fork or a pair of tongs, you are definitely gonna need a spatula, most likely two. And as you do turn them, the bones will simply start to slip out, leaving behind it's savory meat.

*This is basically what I was told to do some 4-5 yrs ago, by a co-worker of mine named Steve, he said it was the best way to do it...and I am gonna have to agree with him (unless you have a smoker that you want to be around all day).*

So I made Ant his ribs and a couple of sides...and he was happy! The kids enjoyed it, and Ant enjoyed it...and yeah they enjoyed it.

Okay, okay....I gave them a try. But that is it, I promise....just one delicious mouthful of the best ribs on earth...and then a little more before I allowed myself to fully swallow the first bite..to reignite the flavor. But that was it I promise. I didn't even have a slimfast after that, being riddled with guilt and all.

So here it is day 16 & 15

Day 16
2 slimfast optima's (these a mcfuckinNasty)
and a mouthful of rib meat...I am not sure how to calculate the calories and all considering what a big mouth I have LOL. But I gave it go anyway and here are the stats:

Calories: 548
Fats: 24.2
Carbs: 50
Protein: 33.5

Today I went for about 9 1/2 mile bike ride.. Estimated Calories Burned: 685

Day 15:
3 Slimfasts
2 regular, 1 optima

Calories=630
Fats=12
Carbs=105
Protein=30

I went on a walk for about an hour (with dog and kids)...ECB: 461

FYI: Here is a link to the calculator I use to figure out the ECB

Slimfast Challenge / Day 14

2008-02-25T19:13:00.000-08:00

Hello ladies and gentleman and welcome to the Slimfast "Slimdown" Challenge!!!
*crowds cheering*
Our lovely contests are:
Harmony *HOORAY from the crowd*
and her sister Jessica *hoots, and whistles, and cheers all around*

SO here it is, what I like to call the Slimfast Challenge. My sister and I are going to ~~eat~~ drink, nothing but slimfast. We will only be doing this for 4 days, because our Mom is getting hitched on Friday, so I am sure we will be eating at the nuptials. You know with not wanting to draw suspicion from the rest of the family (and all).

Anyway, after deciding to do this I thought it would be fun, to do other "fad" diets (here and there). So if any of you have suggestions, or would like to see me suffer, please send in your request and I will work it into the schedule of dieting. But please keep in mind that I will not be doing them back to back, I will however do 1 "Fad" a month.

So come on guys, let's get (oh how I want to say Physical) to dieting. Help me lose the lbs!!!

Day 14
Today I had 3 slimfasts:
Calories=660
Fats=18
Carbs=120
Protein=30

I won't even go into how it bugs me to no end that the carbs are more than twice the amount or protein, cause it is what it is.

Calories burned: 759 (burn baby burn)

Day 13

2008-02-24T18:49:00.000-08:00

Just a little FYI for you all, you may have noticed that I pretty much eat the same thing everyday. What can I say, I am a creature of habit, and once I like something I will "like" it until I can like no more. I know it's pretty obsessive, bordering unto OCD, but not quite. But man would a good case of OCD keep my house clean!

So there you have it Dear Readers, a brief explanation, to what I know you were dying to hear. Now hold tight, because I have day 13 for you....and SURPRISE I am including the stats for the day. I know, I know your day is complete now. You can thank me with a comment, LOL!

Breakfast:
1 Egg White
2 tblsp Cheddar Cheese
(I can't find my Pepper jack! I know I need to clean out the fridge..Damn!)
1/2 of a Whole Wheat Tortilla
*rolled up and devoured instantly, and might I add DELICIOUS

Lunch:
1 can Slimfast

Dinner:
Roasted Chicken Breast
1/2 cup Roasted potatoes

Cal=884
Fats=32.5
Carbs=94.1
Protein=37.7

Today I was really bad about eating too many carbs and not enough protein. The slimfast really messes things up, but it is so easy an convenient. So sorry guys, it won't be the last time you see it. LOL

Here is a question: Do you think I should post the stats (cal, fats etc) per meal, or just do a total for the day? Let me know, and I will give!!!

Dear Pepsi,

2008-02-24T10:55:00.000-08:00

How I have loved thee. Even now I miss your carbonated bursts of flavor, cooling my mouth and putting my mind at ease. How you were always there in moments of stress, to relax me and cool my mood to a steady calm. Never too far away you were, always at hand when I needed you the most. Oh how I needed you like the air that I breath.

And as it turns out you needed me too, in some sort of way. Because here you are, a ~~guest~~ invader in my home. Taunting me with your shiny plastic armor. Calling to me with every carbonated burst, that you scream from your lid. Laughing at me as I watched helplessly you befriend my son.

Halfway through he tossed you aside, leaving you to be buried in the cushions of the couch. And that is were I found you, while cleaning. Another reminder of my love for you. Oh how it disgusts me now, and saddens me. For now you are only a challenge to me, one that I have overcome.

Not so much temptation you are to me, but a nuisance of garbage that I must clean up. However my 8 year old son would beg to differ. After finding my picture of you, he ran to show his dad my pathetic "ness". Stating I had to take the picture, because of my longing to drink you. But as you now know, it was just to share my accomplishment!

Forgiving and forgetting you,

Harmony

Day 12

2008-02-24T09:51:00.000-08:00

Breakfast: (1) Egg White w/ cheddar cheese wrapped in 1/2 of a whole wheat tortilla

Lunch: 1 hamburger patty w/ cheese

Dinner: 2 tacos *mmmm*
Ground beef tacos with refried bean and lettuce and cheese

Dessert: 1 Brownie (straight from the oven) and 1 tblsp of Vanilla Ice Cream

Day 11

2008-02-22T19:34:00.000-08:00

Brunch?: 2 shredded beef flautas (also known as Tornados)
(I know, this is BAAAD)

Lunch: 1 Nathan's Famous hot dog w/ mustard

Snack: Breakfast Muffin

Dinner: Hamburger patty w/ cheese and a couple of fries.

I am not impressed with myself on today's food choices. I really need to paper journal throughout the day, to keep me focused. And then I can give you all the dirt, on calorie intake and carbs and fats and whatnot.

Today it rained all day, but we still got in our jog. I am pretty excited about that, not sure why, but excited nonetheless.

Burned Calories= 379.75

Day 9 & 10 ....

2008-02-21T19:27:00.000-08:00

So it took a stern shake of the finger from my dear friend Sabrina, and I am ready to gush all the gory details that is day 9 & 10.

Day 9:

Breakfast:
1 cup of coffee

Snack:
Yoplait Yogurt (light) Mango and Apricot YUMMY

Lunch:
1 1/2 breaded chicken breast (baked in the oven)

Confession: I didn't need the extra half, in fact I could have just had a half. But it was sooo good I couldn't resist, plus the baby was done with it. I am sick woman I know!

Snack:
1 tblsp Peanut butter (oh how I love thee)

Dinner:
1 thick slice of Meatloaf

Some day maybe soon, maybe not, I will find out the calories and whatnot

Day 10:

I would just like to start off by saying, that today (day 10) I woke up decided it would be my day of splurge. What a horrible thing to decide on an empty stomach in the morning, but my brain could not think of good enough argument to convince my stomach how silly that would be.

Breakfast:
A skillet of sorts with:
Gravy / Potatoes / Bell Peppers/ Onion/ Fried Eggs / Cheddar Cheese
(at Lumber Jacks) I didn't finish the whole thing, maybe ate a 1/3 of it...which is kind of good

Lunch:
1 breaded chicken breast (oven baked)

Snack:
Peanut butter waffle (oh how I love thee)

Dinner:
(this is where it gets really bad)
2 Jack n the box Tacos
and an egg roll

That is it, in all of it's horror.

Tomorrow is a new day and my head knows better now. So don't worry my dear loved ones, I will not let my stomach get the better of me. I shall regain my stance on a healthier lifestyle, and wow you all with my progress.

So...well....umm...yeah

2008-02-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay I do not have a real good reason for not posting in the last 5 days. Well except I was out of town over the weekend, but still!!! How could I ignore you, my dear sweet readers.

I think the worst part of it all, is that I didn't even paper journal. Can you believe that! While I do not believe that everything I ate was of the healthiest quality, I do know that I did well with portion control. I think (pretty much believe) that I stayed within my daily calorie (1200) allotment.

But (like) whatever, I am sooo going to keep you guys posted from now on. You are totally like my BFF, I can tell you anything! And I adore that about you, so I vow from here on out to never ever make you feel left out again.

Does that fix things for you....no....yes....maybe! Good I will stick with maybe, and will just win you back with my persistant love and devotion to you.

Come back later tonight, for a glimps into my journal (I swear I will do it).

Day 3

2008-02-14T18:57:00.000-08:00

Ahhh Valentine's day a day of sin indeed, in this case gluttonist! Tonight I followed a recipe from The Pioneer Woman Cooks blog. She is awesome and I love, love, love, love her! Tonight's dinner consisted of:

Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Steak (w/ a lemon pepper rub)
Salad w/ a shallot vinagrette dressing
and garlic / parmesean pull apart bread

VERY GOOD, and VERY SINFUL!!!

I have not yet figured out the calories on the mess of food that I devoured tonight, but at some point in my life I will. So please don't hold your breath waiting for it. Right now my tummy if full and my brain is in shut down mode...bed seems so dreamy!!!

Tomorrow is a new day, and I look forward to it. I need something to get me through the guilt of tonight's dinner!!!

Day 3 Sneak Peak

2008-02-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

Good Morning people of the web world! I just finished a wonderful breakfast. After having a couple of bites, I was so impressed that I decided to take a picture and share it with you all:
Mmmmm...doesn't that look tastey?

I apologize for the blurry photograph, it is in two parts that this picture somewhat sucks a**, 1 part being that my camera is not that great (so if any of you feel the need to get better pictures, I am taking donations towards my dream camera). And the 2nd being; that I really wanted to finish my breakfast.

But let's forget about the awful picture and focus (pun intended) more on the subject of the picture. This ladies and gentlemen is a breakfast wrap (of sorts). It consists of 1 egg white, about 1 oz of pepper jack cheese (a light layer) and 1/2 of a whole wheat tortilla, and it is to die for! Very quick and easily made, and should be put on the menu everywhere.

Don't worry I will not leave pondering what all this has cost me (calorie wise):

Calories=192--------Fats=10-----Carbs=2.3--------Protein=23

Not too shabby!

That's it for now, I will journal tonight and give you my stats.

oh and btw: Happy Valentines Day

Day 2

2008-02-13T21:24:00.000-08:00

Hello all! Today was a pretty good day, although very windy...making tonight's walk a little chilly. After getting a couple of laps in my body's furnace ignited and slowly warmed me for the remainder laps. Okay, okay I know what you are here for! Here is today's glimpse into my "food" journal, and once again I must say it is because of you and the fear of failure that has kept me obedient:

8:00 (Breakfast) Egg white omelette (cheddar cheese)
11:00 (snack) Apricot Mango Yoplait Yogurt *Light* (this was VERY good)
*******I didn't get around to lunch...I am awful********************
5:00 (Bad Idea) 1 1/2 take 5 hershey bars (this was a little mess up, but they were Halloween size and really good)
7:00 (Dinner after walk meal) Tuna Wrap and 1/4 cup of Low Fat Cottage Cheese

And here is what it all amounted to:

Calories-------Fats--------Carbs--------Protein
659 -------85.25 -------54.6 --------115

And with a 40 minute walk I burned 404.79 Calories.

Tomorrow I promise to remember lunch, and maybe even get some different foods in. I can't promise you that thought, I still have a bunch of Tuna fish left in the fridge.

Journal Day 1

2008-02-12T20:44:00.000-08:00

Okay boys and girls, as I promised here is a glimpse into my day of eating. Keep in mind that it was because of you that I stayed obedient to my diet (healthy living!):

8:30 (Breakfast) Egg white omelete w/ pepper jack cheese

12:00 (lunch) Tuna fish on a (1/2) whole wheat tortilla shell

5:00 (snack) 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese

8:00 (dinner*ish* after walk snack): 1 can Slimfast

That would be a daily total of:

Cal***** Fats ****Carbs ***Protein
679 *****81.5 ****58.1 *****124

I like journaling these things so I can keep track of my calorie intake and make sure that I do not go above 1200. I also like to keep my protein intake higher than my carbs. So I am pleased with today's effort, and I hope you are as well.

I also walked for about an hour, and with this handy calorie burning calculator, I now know that I burned roughly 600 calories...not too shabby. I just may lose weight yet....keep your fingers crossed!

Healthy living here I come....

2008-02-11T09:39:00.000-08:00

People of the dieting world (err with healthy life styles) unite!!!! Okay...that was a little much, but it made me feel amped! I have wonderful things to tell. Well new stuff anyway.

You are so not going to believe this, but I am once again going to go throught the awful (but rewarding) experience of detox. For many reasons, but the most important one is; that I am awesome. My girlfriend thought she would like to give it a go, and well...we all know misery loves company, so I figured "why the hell not". I feel like it is going to be very exciting to actually do it (the detox people) with someone else.

Also another high note is that my friend (Sabrina) has started her own blog, oh how my heart fills with joy. Blogs can often be a scary thing to start, especially when your subject revolves around dieting. Although I am no expert...I would definitely say it is a very good blog, and that you all should go ahead and check it out here.

Soon I will start posting my calorie intake, and all the whatnots I eat during the day. Transferring my eating journal out from it's comfy little binder (kept in the dark corners of my house) stashed away forever for my eyes alone. To you, whoever you are, that really wants to no if this fat chick is actually going to lose weight or not. Because I am fat, and ashamed..I will not post my weight. Hey give me a break people! I still haven't come to terms with it yet. But because I am a blabba mouth, soon enough you will hear the grotesque mound of flab that is Harmony.

So with that...stay tuned...you never know what is going to happen next.

Today I run........

2008-02-06T11:29:00.000-08:00

First I will start with confession:

The past couple of days I have been BAAAD! I have been eating badly; I had fast food, and even some ice cream (which is weird because I don't really like ice cream).

But this morning I am back on track, and I even ran; I did 30 minutes on a pre-programmed setting on the treadmill. Here is what became of it:

Calories= 247
Fat Cal.=77.1
Distance=1.74

10 minutes in I felt like my heart was going to explode, and then 10 minutes after that I wanted to dive off and on to my bed and die. I think I could have gotten in 2 miles even, if I didn't stop (and lose all momentum) to take care of my crying baby.

Here are some things I will have to remember next time I run:

1. Holding on to the treadmill with a death grip makes things harder.

2. Ignore Austin at all cost (no matter the amount of nagging). And keep whatever spare breath I have....for breathing.

...The Day After

2008-01-27T09:25:00.000-08:00

So last night was my last night of detox, and I have to say "WOW" I am amazed with myself. I can't believe I did it. Last night was also "girls night out", I attended this girly night with full intentions of drinking water all night long. But after taking one look at the menu, I figured fuck it...why not? I am practically done anyways...and then the waitress announced that they had Fat Tire, and all my ambition and drive to finish a full ten day detox jumped out the window.

So with that here are my confessions:
I had 1 bottle of Fat Tire
2 little bites of my French Dip
a couple of French Fries
1 Onion Ring
a couple of bites of Chocolate Cake
and 1/2 scoop of Ice Cream

Believe it or not folks, this is the recipe for a complete bowel blow out (so don't forget it). I appreciate the fact that I do not regret last night. I somehow feel like I did (sort of) complete my task and I feel good about that.

Here are the results to the detox:
I lost 13 lbs (doing absolutely no exercise)my skin now has a "healthy" glow to itI feel great and energized little aches and pains seem to be in the distant past.
Cravings seem to have been deleted from my bodies mental makeup.
I have a general feeling of being healthy...still fat but healthy none the less.

Here are my future plans to be healthy:
I am going to go at this pretty hard, so I will only allow myself 1 solid meal a day, for a couple of weeks, and then I might throw in a 2nd solid meal..but with a cut off time of 2pm.

I will journal all of my calorie intake, incl. protein, carbs, and fats. And make sure that I am taking in more protein than carbs. But I will absolutely not delete carbs from my eating pleasures.

I will also continue to do the laxative tea every night (I really like it)

I will also continue to do the detox one day a week, being SundayAlso

I will have one day a week (Saturday) were I will be able to pick one cheat item, and devour it.

And last but not least, I will exercise. God love the exercise.

So that is it dear reader, now you know what I will be doing. And I feel great getting it all of my chest. And please don't worry, dear reader, I will not main line blog about my "dieting" woes. But I might do some updates here and there.

Day 9 & 10

2008-01-26T10:20:00.000-08:00

Day 9:
Not much has changed...I still feel energetic and in a state of general "goodness". One of the only downsides to this detox (besides not eating) is not really having anything else to blog about. As if my life has become completely consumed with detoxing.

Which is so not the case. All sorts of amazing, well maybe not amazing...but definitely interesting, stuff has happened to me. But all I can think of when I sit down to blog, is to tell you my dear readers (that's right all 5 of you), is how my detoxing day went. So I am really looking forward to this ending, and getting on track with blogging about something more useless, and devastatingly boring life events for you all to have a good laugh at.

Day 10:
Today is my last day, hooray!!! I am very excited! Now that it has all come to a head, I definitely feel like I could go longer. But that doesn't mean that I am going to. I have you, my readers, to think of and I know you are all just sick of hearing about detox. This morning started of very good.

Ant and I laid around in bed letting the kids roam the house and do what they wish. It was very...relaxing. And well neat, I loved hearing the kids playing in the other room. Feeling free to do what they wish (well at least inside the invisible boundary zone, that they dare not pass) and play and laugh as if they were getting away with something. While Ant and I hid in bed feeling like that too.

Still in a state of general goodness, and as energetic as ever. I cannot wait to update you all tomorrow and lay out my future "health" plans.

Day 8

2008-01-24T09:23:00.000-08:00

9:21 am: This morning I got up at 6:00. Ryder spent the night waking up every hour from midnight on. Besides the fact that it was completely annoying, I did get up with a pretty decent attitude. I still feel like I have a healthy amount of energy, and I am enjoying that. I am really happy with the results I am getting, however I cannot wait for this to be over with. Saturday is nearing and all I can think of is what I will be eating. I figure on Sunday I will post results of the detox and give a list of my future health plans. I will try and post more later today.

Day 7

2008-01-23T10:09:00.000-08:00

10:10 am: This morning I woke up at 6 (Ant was already up with Ryder, trying his best to let me sleep in) and ran out to pull the cans to the street. Once I got back in and sneaked my way back to bed, I was fast asleep.

Now if I would have just stayed up at 6 I would have been fine. But no I got greedy and snuck in some extra z's, leaving Ant with no other option (I guess) but to wake me up at 7:15 by bringing a screaming baby into the room.

I REALLY do not like when he does this. So I wake up feeling bitchy over it. And head to the kitchen to start my family's breakfast. Ant kept asking me what was wrong, I didn't know what to say. I just felt bitchy, I didn't feel crappy or restless, just....bitchy. Maybe he should have left the screaming baby out of the wake up call this morning.

Anyway, being in a constant state of bitch this morning I waited to do my salt water. But I got it done with minimal effort. With that all said and done, today is starting to look up. I feel great, and completely energized. I hope I spend my time well today, and maybe get this house cleaned up.

Day 6

2008-01-22T08:19:00.000-08:00

8:20 Today I woke up on the right side of the bed. I feel energized and great. This might have something to do with Ant being home, and getting up with the baby last night. Letting me catch up on some, oh so sweet, sleep. This morning was so good in fact that, I was able to just walk right over and do my salt water without hesitation and little disgust (well at least I didn't throw up). So without further delay, I am of to start this wonderful day. I have no doubt in my mind that it's going to be great.

6:28p.m. Today has been really good. My sister Jessica and I went out to look at dresses. And lucky me I did it without my baby boy. I missed him (a little), but found that it was high time I get a break. I haven't drank a whole lot of the lemonade today, being busy in town and all. But I did drink a lot of water. My tummy is a little hungry, so after this post I will have to get me a cup. None the less today turned out just as I predicted, so that is *Tony the tiger voice*GREAT!!!

I am not sure I have a confession for the day...but if one pops up I will be sure to enter it.

Day 4 & 5

2008-01-21T17:20:00.000-08:00

Day 4:
Yesterday my nieces and nephew came over for a visit. We had a lot of fun...went to the park, fish hatchery and the girls learned how to crochet. The day was pretty full, but not without the want to feed my face. It's sad really, I am not hungry I just want to have food in my mouth.

So here are my day 4 confessions:
1. I tasted the spaghetti sauce...just a taste to check the temperature (yes I have hands, no I don't know why I used my face).
2. I tried a piece of my son's cheesy bread stick...chewed it up and spit it out (yes I believed at the time that this was a good idea) btw: it was heavenly
3. I wanted to try a meatball so bad that my mouth filled up with saliva (Yes I understand that was TMI)

Although it is very apparent that I have messed up my detox (being dumb), I do feel that these were small infractions and to make up for it I drank double the amount of tea (laxative). Did this really make up for it? Who knows...but I am not starting over.

And this morning you can believe me, I more than paid for it. Saturday is my last day and I am sticking with that. Sorry guys.

Day 5:
Feeling full of guilt for yesterdays pleasures, I have had to continually tell myself to get over it and stick with the program as planned. My mouth wanting more food, as it has become some sort of a "phantom inch" phenomenon. To please it, I bought it gum today.

I am not sure if this is cheating, but my mouth is happy. So I can't hate that.

Confession: Today I stared at my son's chicken nuggets very intensely...visualizing taking bites and hearing the sound it would make from me eating it. I am a sick women.

Other than my guilt filled events, I have to say that I feel wonderful. Little aches and pains that have been of annoyance seem to be gone. Parts of the day I do feel like I have gone brain dead, but I am not sure if this doesn't have to do with the lack of sleep I am having. I also can tell that I am not so bloated these days, still fat though.

Day 3

2008-01-19T10:49:00.000-08:00

Day 3 and I most assuredly would kill for some coffee. I haven't been too hungry, which is nice. My energy seems low, but I have to admit I have not been getting a whole lot of sleep lately.Today I waited a while before making myself drink the salt water. But I eventually ended up drinking it, and I am more than happy to have that behind me now. Not much to report really, I guess I while update some more later today.

******Update********
8:21 p.m.: Well I just got home from being in town w/ Ant. For those of you who don't know me this is a rare occasion. Ant is an extreme home body (outside of dirt bikes,snowmobiles..and all things guy), it's practically a sport to him. I wish he could see how much I appreciate being able to be seen in public with my husband. It is such a nice feeling to be together. Anyway as we are finishing up our errands, he happens to mention going out for dinner. I remind him about the detox and he quickly dismisses going out (see he loves me), and we make one last stop.

After we are done, I ask him what he wants for dinner and he replies "what do you want". Again I remind him DETOX! and he said "oh, well I am not that hungry, it's okay..let's just head home".

By now I really want to eat. And I can't get over that he wants to go out. Ant's idea of going out to eat includes, ordering over the phone and sending me to pick it up (unless it's some sort of holiday or anniversary). So again, very rare occasion. And people I can't help it...I wanted to go out and eat. So I tell Ant well let's just stop in somewhere (dying to show the people in town, the existence of my husband).

So Ant replies "but what about your detox". In which I jokingly (well maybe a little serious, itsy bitsty) offer up "well let's just eat, and when I get home I will throw it all up". Hey! Don't judge me...it was a joke at my expense so please don't worry that I have any eating disorders outside of binge eating...or that I am poking fun at anyone else but myself. Ant of course realized I was joking, and noticed that had we gone I had full intentions of eating my arse off (err bigger). So he shared with me how "dumb" he felt it would be to waste all of the time I already put in. I agree...it is dumb.

So I just barely made it out of town without messing up my detox regimen. The voices, they came a calling and with the help of my husband I managed to ignore them and go on my merry way.BTW: Ant ended up getting some Long John Silvers...yuck!

Confession: The only time I have ever made myself throw up, has been when I was out drinking my arse off, and started feeling sick...while there was still time to party. Easy fix..throw up..drink some more.

Day 2

2008-01-18T17:05:00.000-08:00

So it's day 2 of the detox and I have to say the day could have started off a little better. Ryder decided to be up at all hours of the night, with his final waking time clocked in at 5:30 am. Ant had to work today, so I didn't bother him with helping out with the baby. As soon as I got him settled in, I headed to the kitchen to start my detoxing morning.

That would include drinking 1qt of salt water. Salt water is very hard to drink, and keep down.The remainder of the morning (outside of keeping our morning schedule) included a lot of time spent in the bathroom. Having to be in constant access of the toilet really worried me when I left the house today. I had a small list of "to do" and wasn't looking forward to the in car panic attack associated with sudden you need to go syndrome. But by the grace of god I was spared such tortuous treatment, and only had a couple of instances were I needed to (let say) hurry.

It is 5:00 now and I am not feeling hungry, but.....the voices are back and I am doing my best to ignore them. The kids have gone crazy and I am ready to head straight to bed. I am guessing once Ant walks in he will see a blur running down the hall to our bedroom. A sweet reward for bringing home the bacon. Mmmm bacon...lol that was just a joke.

Confession: I do love bacon, but I really want chocolate.

First Day of Detox Revisited (starting over)

2008-01-17T18:37:00.000-08:00

Okay...I have held off on blogging about today's attempt to start a detox schedule, for the sole purpose of trying not to get ahead of myself. I must have really gave myself a good talking to last night, because today went fairly well. I had little food distraction, and absolutely no voices in my head telling me that it would be ok to eat. I haven't had a whole lot of caffeine since my first attempt, so I basically spent the day w/o headaches. Well caffeine induces headaches that is, I still have kids and well kids can sometimes bring on headaches.

Yes I have fed my family dinner, and no I did not cave into the delicious aroma of my wonderfully cooked meal. I, tonight have will power...pretty nice huh? While my family ate a most excellent dinner, I did the dishes and secretly told my stomach to shut the hell up. Ant tried to taunt me and asked me why I wasn't eating. Yesterday me, would have felt bad and joined my family at the table. Today me, just kept saying, huh?... uh what? until he finally gave up.So now it is 6:48 and I am feeling pretty good. I will say however that I could fall asleep in an instant...if giving the opportunity. So with a little pre-hooray...I must give myself a pat on the back. *pats on back* I know you are all rooting for me so keep those fingers crossed and I will keep succeeding.

Confession: It's not about detoxing, and it's not about failing at it...it's about not having to blog about failing.

Detox...Update

2008-01-16T19:16:00.000-08:00

Detox update: I suck at detox. That pretty much sums things up. It is a sad story really, and it pains me to have to go through the emotions again. But because I love you guys and I have no shame, I will share with you my complete failure with detox.

I have to say that I started off pretty strong. Besides the constant hunger complaints and nagging headaches, I was pretty headstrong...I will complete detox! My mind tried to trick me all day, telling me it is okay just have a taste, or just one is okay you can start again tomorrow. My mind is such a bitch, I knew this so I ignored it and stayed strong. All day I did good, sticking with my detox regimen. Knowing that the first day is the hardest and I was close to putting it behind me.

For dinner I was making the boys a meatloaf dinner. Something easy and not completely desired by me. I would feed them and continue my detox, simple really. Feed the boys, continue detox. Not a hard plan to follow. While putting the finishing touches to dinner, to take it to the table. A little piece of meatloaf fell off, and almost instantly was in my mouth. My mind had taken control over my body, forcing my hand to place that meaty morsel into my mouth. An explosion of tasty garlic and meat took place in my mouth, forcing my throat to let out a mmmm.

Oh my gawd, this is the best meatloaf I have ever made...that I have ever eaten. I surely would not deny myself such delectable joy. I served up the boys and quickly took my seat at the table. Savoring each bite, while my mind told me...you don't regret this at all. Hearing it's siren song, luring me to eat more and believe it's lies (you don't regret this).Satisfied with my meal, I plopped down on the couch. Gut full and pants retching at my skin. Immediately I was consumed with guilt.

How could I let a full day of hard work got to waste? Especially over meatloaf...poor man's roast. Ugh, I am ashamed of myself...I really am.So with that dear reader now you know just how pathetic I am. But because I am dedicated to doing the detox and not sucking at it. I am starting over tomorrow. Vowing to myself and you that I will complete the 10 day task. And will never, ever do it again. Keep your fingers crossed...I am.

Confession: I heart Meatloaf

Detox

2008-01-14T11:17:00.000-08:00

Today I detox. I figured it the right way to start a healthier life style, not a diet...a healthier life style. I do want to lose weight, I am just not that motivated to be a itty bitty skinny gal. I just want to be able to play with my kids and not feel like my lungs are caving in. Detox sucks...it's 11:00 in the morning and I am already over it. My caffeine headache has taken up residence behind my right eyeball, torturing me...a nagging reminder that I have not yet had my cup of coffee. To top things off, I feel like I have hit a wall. I am drained, my eyes are burning to close, I am tired and my speech is slow. Who knew the powerful effects of coffee.

Confession: I am not big and beautiful...I am not big and proud. I am just big.